Kenneth Paul O’Neal
“Pauly”
July 13, 1982 to September 10, 2011
Most know why I’ve been MIA for the last year or so. I’ve avoided posting on my blog because I didn’t want to face reality or share my feelings about the loss of my baby brother who died last September. Over a year now, still so fresh, just typing these words I’m getting choked up thinking about him and missing him terribly. He was my baby brother…the youngest out of five children. I know in my heart he is exactly where he wants to be, up in heaven with our heavenly Father, but it doesn’t make it any easier on us down here waiting until we meet again. And I do know that I will see him again! In the meantime, I’m missing him and replaying his laugh in my head and praying to God that I don’t ever forget the sound of that laugh.
Paul battled one of the most difficult addictions to overcome…food. We need food to survive, it’s readily available everywhere you go and the junk food is cheaper than eating healthy. I’m learning this first-hand these days! Our entire family is obese or was obese. Two members of my immediate family resorted to gastric bypass and so far, have done a great job in keeping the weight off. Paul was actually too heavy to have the procedure done, which I think added to his depression which caused him to eat even more.
Paul got so desperate for help that he submitted a video to a television network for a show called, “Heavy” which followed the journey of individuals who were morbidly obese and then learned to change their lives by following a healthy lifestyle. We were so excited when he was chosen for the next season and Paul was excited to start a new season of his life. He was getting the opportunity he needed that would allow him to not only learn how to eat and exercise, but that would have also helped him to identify what was causing the manifestation of this addiction. Several months later, Paul learned that the show canceled the upcoming season. This news crushed Paul and his health deteriorated from that point forward.
After we were in North Carolina visiting to celebrate the adoption of my sister and brother in-law’s little girl, my brother fell ill and ended up in the hospital. We learned that he had a urinary tract infection that went septic and caused his organs to shut down including his kidneys. Because of his weight, the medical staff was limited in the treatment they can give my brother. When the nurse explained to my brother that they would need to ventilate him and that when most people are ventilated, they don’t usually come out of it, my brother responded “bring it on, I’m ready to go home.” I believe that my brother was gone from that moment after being ventilated, but he was kept alive by that machine for three weeks. Each day the prognosis was not looking good and every now and then, we even had a little glimmer of hope from the doctors and nurses when his oxygen level would increase. Finally, after the third week of Paul living like this, the doctor said that the longer a person is on this machine, the chances of him recovering is even slimmer. We made our way back down to North Carolina where we all gathered around him for when the doctor removed the ventilator.
It wasn’t very long after he was removed from the machine that my brother was slipping away from us. I will never forget that day. I remember lying across his torso and begging God to give him back to us and willing my brother to fight harder to stay with us. I knew in my heart that is not what Paul wanted. He was tired of fighting his addiction and his body was physically tired from supporting the weight he has carried around almost his whole life. Paul wanted peace from the demons he was fighting every day. There are no words to convey the emotions of grief that settled over all of us as we said good-bye to my brother. I remember looking at my parents at one point and wondering, how do parents survive the loss of a child?
A year and two months later, it’s easier, but I still miss him and I still hear his laughter. I still see the smile that lit up his entire face. I remember him as a baby where the sisters fought because we didn’t want to lay with him until he fell asleep because we knew we’d fall asleep too and that impeded on our social life! I remember singing songs to help get him to sleep and most of the ones I remembered were Christmas songs which I sang to him year round! I remember bathing him in the kitchen sink and thinking, this kid is getting way too big to be bathing in the kitchen sink. I remember the fat rosy cheeks that glowed even brighter when they were chapped in the winter time. I remember giving Paul a lecture when he called me to complain about his fiancé and how her cleaning skills weren’t up to his standards. I remember sharing my weight loss journey’s with him in hopes to help encourage him to lose weight. I remember instant messaging him on Facebook and him sharing his hopes and fears with me, but I continued to encourage him nonetheless. I remember the excitement in his voice when he called to tell me that he was selected to be on the show “Heavy” and how this show was going to save him from himself. I remember how I wasn’t always so nice to him because I was frustrated at the bad choices he made and being scared for him over the consequences he might have to face. I remember viewing the video he made for the show “Heavy” on Facebook and how proud I was of him that he was so brave to do such a personal thing by putting himself out there like that for the whole world to see…including the good and bad. I remember the wonderful things that people said to encourage him and I remember the horrible things people said to put him down and derail him and I wanted to hurt those people! I remember how I helped raise Paul and was like a mother to him. I remember how Dave and I used to take him places with us and he would constantly ask “where are we going?” We would respond with “we are going crazy!” Paul used to think that “going crazy” was an actual place! I remember Paul finally starting some online college courses and how proud he was when he got an “A” on his first assignment and every assignment after that. I remember Paul was worse than a girl when it came to gossiping and not keeping secrets. I remember celebrating Paul’s 18th birthday at Pizza Hut in North Carolina, his place of employment at the time, and how special his friends made him feel. I remember those awful suspenders my dad used to make him wear even as a teenager! I remember Paul moving in with Sandy and Sandy having to play tough love with him to help him lose weight. I remember visiting North Carolina and we went dancing one night and the ladies were hanging all over my brother on the dance floor and I was thinking “man, my brother is a ladies man!” I remember the huge heart that my brother had and how he wanted to help anyone who was in need, even when those people took advantage of his heart. I remember that he loved each one of us siblings with all his heart even when we weren’t the nicest.
I pray that none of my memories about my brother, good and bad, leave my heart or mind. I want to remember everything about Paul and how much he meant to me even though I didn’t always share that with him. I wish I did tell him more often how much I cared for him and how much I loved him.
Paul, I still think of you and I miss you terribly. I know you are up in heaven loving your life with our heavenly father and no longer suffer from the demons you fought here on earth. I hope you knew that I loved you so very much and wish I could have helped you more to overcome the battle you fought every day. I guess if I couldn’t help myself to lose weight, I wasn’t going to help you lose weight. But, I want you to know that you are my light that helps me get up each morning at 4:30 AM to head to the gym. I hope you know that when I’m walking or working out with my personal trainer, I’m thinking of you smiling down on me because I know you would not want me to suffer the way you did on this earth.
I love you Paul, always and forever. You are truly missed but will NEVER be forgotten! Rest in peace baby brother and I look forward to seeing you one day after my life is over here on earth. And please ask God to help continue to give me the will, patience, strength, motivation and encouragement to help me in my weight-loss journey. You know we can’t do it without Him. In the meantime, the rest of your siblings have formed a stronger bond and we will keep your memory alive….always. Because of you, Paul, we’ve gained additional “family” by reconnecting with Valerie, Rachel and Bobbie-Jo. There are some parts that aren’t perfect, but I believe God led you to help bring us together again as we are meant to be “family” and God wants us to be connected always, so for that, I am also grateful to you. I love you Pauly!
