Emma Mae Hottenfeller O'Neal
October 25, 1954 to January 4, 2018
Our hearts were broken on January 4, 2018 when my mom took her last breath here on earth after a full year of struggles with her health from being diagnosed with lung cancer to congestive heart failure with so much in between. She was truly suffering the last 6 months of her life. My heart truly aches thinking about her not being with us anymore. But I think about her up in heaven with our Heavenly Father living the eternal and glorified life that God has promised. While our hearts ache and we are enveloped with sadness at times, I can't help but smile when I think of her in heaven with her youngest son, my baby brother, Paul, in a beautiful reunion after 6 1/2 years apart. What a glorious sight that must be.
My most fondest memories are when I was young and my mom was pretty much my best friend. We spent hours sitting at the kitchen table playing cards or Yahtzee and she always had a cup of coffee right in front of her. Coffee was her water! She always seemed to kick my butt at card games too. Our favorite card game was Rummy. She would hold onto all her cards and lay them out all at once with her discard card. Ugh! I would get so mad at her and tell her she was cheating! I miss those times and I would let her win every hand if I could play cards with her again. I missed a lot of school growing up for one reason or another, but I loved when it was just my mom and me at home. It was our quiet time. I think she enjoyed having me home with her too because she never said anything when I didn't go to school. Definitely not something you can get away with now. I loved walking to the corner store with her too because my mom had a horrible sweet tooth. I knew walking to the store would get me a sweet treat and whatever else she could afford to get for us at the time. I remember she was here in Pennsylvania visiting from North Carolina and we went to Walmart and how she had nothing but junk food in her little riding cart. It would frustrate me because like a child, I loved it, but the adult in me knew that it wasn't any good for her with her diabetes and it wasn't good for me and my expanding waste. Like her, I couldn't always resister the temptations which I still struggle with! I would give her grief about it and she would tell me that it was for her grandkids. Maybe so, but I also knew she'd be indulging.
As I grew older, I did feel like we drifted apart. I guess that happens when you live 500 miles apart and life gets crazy with commitments and kids activities. It does sadden me that my kids missed out on getting to know their grandparents in North Carolina. When someone dies, you start having regrets and you think, "I wish I had..." I know it's the devil getting in my head, so I'm not going to let him ruin the good memories I do have of my mom and our times together. I'm not sure when that feeling of my breath being taken away when I think of my mom no longer being here with us will go away. Does it go away? There is an ache in my heart that happens when I think of her and how I can't call her up and share good or bad news. While my mom wasn't the greatest at calling me, I know she cared and I know she loved us and she continually told me how proud she was of her kids.
I know my dad and siblings hearts are broken too. We are grieving together and I'm so thankful that I have each of them. We need to not take advantage of the time we have and just love our family with all the ups and downs. Family is hard, but they are family and love must prevail! LOVE MUST PREVAIL! God shows up all the time and we need to "be still" so we can sense His presence in it all.
I love you mom. I pray that you are dancing with your Heavenly Father and that you are cradling Paul in your arms again. Oh the bittersweet feeling that overwhelms me when I think of this sight. You are truly missed and I look forward to the day we meet again. May you watch over us and may God let us feel your presence as we journey through the rest of our lives without you. My comfort is in God's promise that we will be together again. XOXO
